Keeping Warm

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.

The Buffalo Theory

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Warning: Beer Contains Female Hormones

Yesterday, scientists for St. Marks Health Centers suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

Doe Re Mi Beer

by Homer J. Simpson.

Dough... the stuff... that buys me beer...

Ray... the guy that sells me beer...

Me... the guy... who drinks the beer...

Far... the distance to my beer...

So... I think I'll have a beer...

La... La la la la la la beer...

Tea... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...

That will bring us back to... (Looks into an empty glass)

Doh!

The Beer Prayer

The Beer Prayer

Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink.

Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),

At home as it is in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillage,

As we forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer, the bitter,

and the lager.

Barmen